Dos – in no particular order
1 They have a mania for posting photos on Instagram and Facebook of the latest cakes and cookies taken into work for their unsuspecting fellow-workers. (OMG they even have a “Take a Vegan Cake to Work Day”!) What their colleagues do not realise is that vital information is being withheld from them, information which might make them think twice about the goodies on offer. It’s only once the whole office has swooped like a plague of locusts & demolished every last crumb – as invariably happens – do our people reveal the dismaying information that THE CAKES WERE VEGAN!!! Shock! Horror!
2 They have a peculiar tendency to rescue small beasties, even ones so small you can barely see without a magnifying glass. Plastic pots and pieces of cardboard are kept at hand specially for trapping and then liberating stray wasps, bees, ladybirds, spiders, woodlice or ants that have wandered through the open back door and found themselves stuck in a human’s lair. Snails in grave danger from giant feet are carefully retrieved from the pavement and placed in the safety of an adjacent flower bed. Gardeners just love these freaks!
On one occasion, a certain misguided individual was seen to free a struggling wasp from a strand of spider silk, while another castigated her for depriving the spider of its lunch! (Confession: I was the heartless wretch who robbed the poor spider – couldn’t bear to see the wasp struggling so}
3 They have a strange habit of walking with eyes downcast. But don’t think it’s because they’re a depressed or diffident bunch. Not at all. They’re scouring the ground for the trail of rubber bands strewn by your friendly neighbourhood postie, schoolgirls’ lost hair bobbles, bits of twine, fishing line and those plastic loops that hold drinks cans together. Why? To prevent injuries to birds, mice, hedgehogs and other small creatures.
4 CHEESE!!! How could I forget the cheese question. Freshly-minted plant-gnashers love their new way of life but confess to a cheese-shaped hole in their stomachs. Cheese features large in vegan Facebook groups. Debate flourishes about the best plant-based cheese for pizza, vegan mac’n cheese, cheese sandwiches etc etc
When vegan cheese first made an appearance, we cannot lie, it was pretty unpalatable, like eating bits of rubber. But now………. There are mozzarellas, cheddars, cream cheeses – and artisan cheeses with cranberries and walnuts, peppers and spring onion, are popping up all over the place.
Incidentally, the most recommended by our army of test chompers is Violife. Round of applause for Violife!
5 While we’re talking dairy
Our herbivores have another little trick up their sleeves – or rather in their bags. Out and about they carry an emergency tub of plant milk for that vital ingredient of civilised life, the cup of tea or coffee. But they don’t stop there – despite having their own with them, they request the stuff from the barista or waitress as well. Strange? There’s method in the madness. They’re getting the message through that there’s a growing demand for all those lovely cruelty-free milks. And it IS getting through.
That tub-in-the-bag is becoming less and less essential.
6 Still talking dairy!
These bizarre folk leave no stone – or carton – unturned in their quest to find the perfect accompaniment to their coffee, a topic discussed at length on forums and Facebook.
7 They rush post haste on to social media to share every new supermarket or coffee shop vegan discovery, ESPECIALLY if it’s something unhealthy! These ‘finds’ are divided into 2 categories.
There are the ‘accidentally vegan’, of which PETA has a huge list
Oreos seem to feature quite prominently in Fb groups, but there are apple strudels and ice creams, baked beans and Marmite, some Doritos and Pringles, some Mrs Crimble’s cakes, and crumpets, Cadbury’s drinking choc and Skittles. And so on, and so on.
Then there are the ‘intentionally vegan’ items. Just read on Fb – “I did a little dance in Tesco when I found a jar of vegan pesto!”. Even more crazy dancing recently over Quorn’s new vegan product range and the veganisation of Guinness!
But it’s not all about food.
8 They work for nothing. It’s true! They devote hours each day signing, sharing and tweeting petitions – from ban hunting to free Lolita, and everything inbetween.
And when they’re not on their phones and tablets (or eating vegan cake!) they are on demos outside circuses and labs, racecourses and greyhound tracks. Or on badger patrol. Or monitoring hunts. Or tending rescuees in sanctuaries.
Which brings us on to number
9 These Carrot-Crunchers all harbour a craving for their very own animal sanctuary – with the exception of those who are already there. To be custodian of “4 dogs, 3 cats, 1 pig, 2 geese, 9 chickens, 5 doves, 2 guinea pigs and a bearded dragon” does not raise an eyebrow in the CC world.
10 So it’s apparent that their mania for rescuing small beasties extends to bigger beasties too.
Stray dogs and cats, newborn lambs and piglets fallen from cattle trucks, battery hens, neglected horses and cows. Every life is precious, but despite the rescuers’ best endeavours, some of the creatures are too far gone make it. No joke to be found there.
Well, we can’t finish on a sad note, so I’ll throw in a bonus, an eleventh thing vegans do, and end where we began – with CAKE!
11 However stuffed they are, however much they wouldn’t normally touch the stuff, if they find vegan cake or dessert on the menu these screwballs NEVER say, “Pass”. After all, who knows when the next one will come along? Black Forest Gateau anyone?
And now for the Don’ts
Sorry, I lied. Apart from the obvious, THERE ARE NONE!